Going back to the well season is upon us. For those of you unaware of what “going back to the well season” is, a concept I literally made up 40 seconds ago, hang in there. I will explain.
Summer is the time of the year where it’s completely okay to hook up with random strangers for no reason other than the fact that they are in your current proximity. There are no dating rules or social norms exercised during this time of year. It’s when boys become men and girls don’t text me back.
Then we hit the dog days of summer. From August 1st to Labor Day, the mood switches from fun, free-loving adventure to complete desperation. People are going back to school and want one last hook up before they depart. Summer vacations are ending, and people have to return to the reality of their average lives.
Going back to the well season is here.
But there’s more to it than just plain desperation, although that’s a major aspect of this phenomenon. Going back to the well is mostly about who you decide to hook up with during summer’s closing ceremonies. Instead of turning to the person next to you who’s also blacked out at the beach bar at 2pm on a Sunday, you seek people you’ve either already hooked up with or dated. Thus, going back to the well.
You know the season has arrived the first Friday in August when the sun goes down and suddenly you get texts on Snapchats on texts from everyone you’ve ever kissed on the cheek. Everyone knows it’s easier to be inside of someone you’ve already been inside. That’s just science. I think I remember that from an old Bill Nye clip.
This is the WORST time in the dating calendar. For whatever reason, people who haven’t contacted you since Caitlyn was Bruce suddenly think they’re entitled to a victory lap. Disgusting.
Drunk texting girls I haven’t spoken to in years is my specialty. It’s not some seasonal trick to get a quick and easy lay. It’s a lifestyle for me, and I hate that from August 1st to Labor Day imposters steal my shtick.
Having said all of that, enjoy going back to the well season. It’s your last chance this summer to hump, and who am I to take that from you? Just don’t fall down the well. That’s either the wisest thing I’ve ever said or the absolute dumbest. Time will tell.