Well, that was a train wreck…
Hi, and welcome back to the second round of hawk + pearl’s The Bachelor/Bachelorette BFF Recap! I’m your host, Morgan, and Shelby is currently in Vegas celebrating the new year without me (rude).
Since my co-host isn’t around to contribute, I’ve hired my good ol’ pal Lester Lee AKA King of DeadSeriousness AKA my arch nemesis to help me recap tonight’s season premiere. We’re going to keep things as short and (not so) sweet as possible.
Without further ado, let’s start recapping:
– Nick Viall is “The Bachelor” and has officially been on three different reality dating series on ABC.
– These girls are a bunch of sluts. Seriously (except for Alexis the dolphin lover — she’s cool). You can’t get much worse than a girl who prides herself on the fact Nick barely remembers having sex with her… well, that’s if you’re excluding Corinne who said “my heart is gold but my ‘vagine’ is platinum.”
Who received the first impression rose: Rachel
Who received roses during the rose ceremony: Vanessa, Danielle L., Christen, Astrid, Corinne, Elizabeth, Jasmine G., Raven, Kristina, Danielle M., Sarah, Josephine, Lacey, Taylor, Alexis, Hailey, Wendy, Dominique, Jamie, Brittany, Liz
Who went home: I don’t know their names. Sorry.
I was really looking forward to watching the show tonight, but I don’t know how much of this season I can handle. I’m going to try my hardest to keep my composure and keep watching so I can deliver Grade A recaps to your laptop or mobile device every Monday night, but this is going to be a challenge.
All I will say is that my favorite — and by “favorite,” I mean least favorite — line of the entire show was something along the lines of “your past relationships have been lemons, but I hope we can make some lemonade.” I think the awkwardness of that pickup line epitomizes ABC’s The Bachelor Season 21 thus far. #sad
The existential crisis of watching The Bachelor is having to balance between two polar opposite emotions. On one side, you have 30 broads desperate to get married and have kids. You can literally hear their biological clocks ticking if you have an HD television.
Any woman who is looking to find love on a reality show 1000% has her number blocked by all of her exes. It’s sad and cringeworthy.
On the other side, however, is the comedy that is 30 women climbing over each other to hook up with a guy whose main appeal is that he’s been on the show before. I cannot help but find joy in their pain. It’s what gets me out of bed in the morning.
I don’t know any of their names so I’ll just give quick shout outs to my favorite girls:
- Shout out to the girl in the shark costume who thinks it’s hiiiilarioouuusss that she keeps calling it a dolphin costume. A nice healthy reminder that girls aren’t funny.
- Shout out to everyone in red. If you didn’t wear a red dress, then just go ahead and keep your bags packed, sweetheart. It’s like you don’t even care about Nick. Gosh.
- Shout out to the camel girl. Riding in on a camel for a quick ‘I heard you like to hump’ joke is funny on paper — until you’re sitting on a camel for like 14 minutes and you smell like you’ve been sitting on a camel for eternity.
- Shout out to the chick that bragged about banging him at a wedding and never talking to him again/for bragging about what literally every guy she’s ever met has totally done to her.
- Shout out to Nick for making sure everyone knows that he’s totally not racist by giving his first rose out to the closest black person in arm’s length.
I love this show.
And that’s all!
Thanks for reading. Stay tuned next week for ABC’s The Bachelor BFF Recap: Season 21 Episode 2 on hawk + pearl!