I think it’s a safe assumption to say 99.9% of us have a social media account, whether it’s Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Snapchat. I also think it’s safe to say 99.9% of us are “friends” with the same type of people on these platforms.
After being on social since the good old Myspace days, I’ve compiled a list of the many different types of people I’ve noticed exist on my “friends” list who fill my news feed with the same old shit.
Here are the 19 types of people you’re friends with on social media:
1. The one you don’t know personally but are cool with.
You’ve never met this person, yet you guys are super cool. This person comments on your status updates. They appreciate your witty jokes. They even like your selfies. They just get you. You’re practically social media best friends (PS: There’s a meme going around about this with Hey Arnold and the giant turtle high-fiving which is SO accurate).
2. The political person.
There’s at least one person on your friends list who either does know what they’re talking about when it comes to politics or doesn’t, but it doesn’t matter. They will literally post every single update on presidential debates, whether or not they like Donald Trump, how they’re feeling the Bern, why our country is doomed, whatever. Either way, they need to shut up and leave politics off social media… and everywhere else for that matter.
3. The philosophical wizard.
Whether they actually do or just pretend to, this person is super philosophical and grounded and knows so much about the world. You either hate them or you love them. You want to tell them how they profoundly impact your life with their positivity or you want to punch them in the face and tell them to shut up. There is no in between.
4. The yogi.
The yogi posts pictures and/or videos of their insanely cool yoga poses. This friend motivates you to join a yoga class so you can do headstands on mountain tops like they can… but you never join a yoga class. You just look at this person’s updates in awe and wish you could be them.
5. The fitness guru.
This person makes sure that you know whenever he/she works out. Gym check-ins, transformation Tuesday posts, protein shakes and smoothies — the fitness guru’s got you covered with all of the above.
6. That one family member who comments on all of your posts.
“HEY LAURA THIS IS A VERY NICE PICTURE TELL MOM I SAID HELLO MISS YOU GUYS SEE YOU IN TWO MONTHS FOR COUSIN SARA’S COMMUNION I HOPE JOHNNY DOESN’T EAT ALL THE CAKE AGAIN LOL!!! –AUNT MARGARET”
7. The Negative Nancy.
The dreaded Debbie Downer. The always negative Negative Nancy. The one who NEVER has anything positive to say whether it’s on your statuses or on their own wall. To all of you Negative Nancies out there, do us all a favor and either brighten up or deactivate your account and gtfo.
8. The girl who’s insanely obsessed with and in love with her boyfriend.
There are two types of these girls. One is the girl who’s obsessed with her boyfriend after dating for three years… The other is the girl who’s obsessed with her boyfriend after dating for three weeks. Both equally in love. Both equally annoying.
9. The conspiracy theorist.
Chemtrails, 9/11, ISIS, Monsanto, Illuminati, the Elite… the anti-corporate, the anti-religion, the Zika virus, the fact that there’s a cure for cancer but it’s being hidden from us, now poor Harambe the Gorilla… WHEN DOES IT END? Probably when we all die when the government turns off our microchip implants.
10. The one who likes all of your posts.
You can always count on this person to like your stuff. Status update, shared video, relationship change, death in the family — it doesn’t matter. He/she always has your back.
11. The foodie.
Whether it’s BuzzFeed Tasty videos or their own cooking, organic or not, you can always count on the foodie to share delicious food posts.
12. The one who you stay friends with just to creep on.
Whether it’s your ex, a friend’s ex, a new boyfriend/girlfriend’s ex (let’s be real, it’s mostly due to exes), you’re only friends with this person so you can creep on their posts. You have no genuine interest in their life. You might actually despise this person’s existence. However, you keep them around because you want to keep tabs.
13. The one who lets you know everything he or she is doing every single moment of the day every single day.
Going to the gym! Finally in bed after a long day! Making breakfast then going to school! Just woke up! Just inhaled then exhaled! Sound familiar? Same.
14. The club/event promoter.
You have yet to attend a single event that the promoter has invited you to, but he/she keeps on sending those invites.
15. The Candy Crusher or other game inviter.
NO! I WILL NOT PLAY CANDY CRUSH OR ANY OF YOUR OTHER DAMN GAMES. STOP TRYING TO SUMMON ME.
16. The argumentative asshole.
I’m thinking of one person right now. So are you.
17. The old high school friend(s) who you haven’t talked to since graduation.
You guys graduated and haven’t talked since, but you’re friends on social media. You occasionally like their posts when they pop up in the news feed, but you guys never actually go out of your way to speak to one another. If it wasn’t for social, you’d have no idea if this person even still existed.
18. The old high school friend(s) who you keep in touch but only because you’re friends on social media.
If it wasn’t for Facebook or Instagram, you wouldn’t have been friends with this person after graduation. This social relationship actually bonded you guys closer. You like each other’s posts and comment on each other’s life accomplishments. Who would have thought social media would bring you guys closer after all these years? Certainly not you back in high school!
And last but not least…
19. The selfie king/queen.
We ALL have the friend(s) who post selfies every day or at least 3x/week. There is no forgetting what this person looks like. We get it. We see you. Please… stop posting selfies. #nofilter
I think that just about covers it! Did I leave anybody out? Is your friends list similar to mine? If not, how can I go about making my friends list look like yours? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below or tweet me at @MorganMandriota.
Don’t forget to share this post on social media and tag your friends with their # (unless they’re 8, 12, or 16)!
Thanks for reading!